Pondering

I'm the type of person that when I am in a lot of pain, or really mad, or really sad I tend to close in on myself. I don't tend to say too much, and I sort of keep to myself.

That's how I felt a little over two years ago when I found out my mom had cancer. In fact she told me shortly after that day, that it was interesting to watch the reaction of each of her 7 children following the news. Some of us are take-action types, some of us are comforters, and at least one of us is a ponderer--no one person's reaction better than another, just different. So today I find myself in my default mode--pondering. I don't feel like saying or doing much of anything, but I do feel like expressing some of the feelings I have today. Though some of my feelings today are overwhelming, they are surprisingly not all sad. Some are quite hopeful. I wish that I was better at expressing myself so that I could really explain the mix of emotions.

My mom died this day, November 10th, two years ago.

As all of her children and in-law children gathered around her hospital bed she told us of the diagnosis of cancer. I knew what was coming. Not that I knew she had cancer, just that when I heard the diagnosis I knew she would be leaving us in the not too distant future. I didn't know, however, that I would only have 11 weeks to say goodbye.

I am so grateful for those 11 weeks of saying goodbye. I am grateful for the lessons that my mother taught me in those 11 weeks. She taught me to face my challenges with my head held high. She taught me to be positive, and not complain. She taught me to be patient in my afflictions. She taught me to have faith in the plan of our Heavenly Father and in His love. And in that final night of her life, I learned of the existence of angels and of heaven, because I felt it.

Although I didn't learn all those things from my mother only in the last 11 weeks of her life, I am reminded of them at this time of year. The wonderful thing about my mother is that she taught me those things throughout my life. By precept and by example she showed me how to live to have joy. And I firmly believe that she is still working hard to serve others and to help others learn to have joy. I also believe that I, and the rest of my family, are included on her service to-do list.

I like to think of it as a visiting teaching route of sorts, only in its purest and most sincere form. I'm sure it's just one of her many duties (because she was always capable of juggling many different tasks all at once). I think she checks in on me periodically, is genuinely concerned for my well-being, and tries to serve me however she can. I agree with Elder Holland that angels are still sent to help us, even as they have been sent to help others in the past. I believe that I am entitled to this help. And I also believe that my mother is one of those angels sent to help.

Now my part is to try and follow the angelic example my mother set for me while she was still on this earth--one of kindness, faith, patience, empathy, service, love and concern.