One Year Later

So it has been one year since my sweet mother passed away. One year later I am still grappling with how to live without her. One year later I can still imagine her voice, and picture her laughing. One year later I miss her like one year has never passed.

I can't believe that one year ago I sat holding my mother's hand as she departed this life. I still remember calling to her, as if she were leaving the room, telling her one last time that we love her and that we know she loves us. After days of labored, heavy, intense gasping for breath, she took her last breaths. And those final few breaths were not struggles, they were peaceful and light. She was relieved of all her pain. On to a better place. A place where I know I will see her again.

Each and everyday of the last 365 I have thought of her. Many days I mourn for the loss of things that will never be. I mourn the fact that I can't call her on the phone and tell her about life's little events. I mourn that I can't sit around and sum up life's great events--births, baby blessings, weddings. I mourn that she will not see my children grow up. I mourn that they will not know or remember this tremendously influential person in my life. I mourn that she will not be here to help plan Abigail's wedding or send my sons on missions. I mourn that I will not hear her voice or feel her warm embrace again in this life.

I do, however, find peace and hope in my faith, in my knowledge of eternal families. It just has to be true. If it's not, I can't handle it. But, I know deep down that it is true. The Lord has shown me that he knows me and my needs. He knew that I would need a new precious life this year to keep me in a routine, and enjoying the miracle of life. He knew that I would need a loving and supportive husband. He knew I would need happy memories, like a trip to Hawaii and a recent stint of living in my mother's home with my family. He knew that I would rely on family, in particular my siblings, who understand me and understand what I am going through.

It's difficult to keep going some days. But I want to live a life that is a fitting tribute to my mother. She raised me well, and I don't want to disappoint. She wouldn't want anyone to be sad. She was amazing. All through her illness she was so peaceful. I would leave having visited with her a better, more peaceful person. She had such grace, dignity, compassion, empathy, class, humor, understanding, patience, and love. No one can replace a mother. No one can replace my mother. She was and is so incredibly important to me. I hope that I can translate this pain of losing my mother into things that are great and wonderful. She would want us all to find the joy that this life can provide.

I miss you, Mom!

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